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你拉我拉， 你拉我拉， 一二拉。。。
This is probably just going to be a simple collection of my life. Thanks for stopping by.

: kheng wee, 2 february.
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"I am proud of Team 2 and Team 1, no matter what happens, and I don't feel any regrets in joining NYCT. I am determined to make it to NYCT 2010 too. "
From my previous post.

醒 来了，什么都是事实了. I don't know what to say. But I'm guessing because of this truth that came crashing down, I have learned to be stronger. It just makes me sad to know it all ends today.

I haven't been online in days, a rare thing actually.

Well, I had family problems, and I thought I was going to break down, after Wednesday, and Thursday. Thought that I was a shame, a failure, a useless person, according to someone. And everything bad in the world came onto me. Anger came onto him, I screwed up. He yelled. No more trusted, a horrid kid. I cried the first time in front of my squadmates, other than ct sqdms. (Thu) But it was also because of squadmates that I got myself back up, showing everyone that I can be better.

Ma'ams talked to us yesterday and I was feeling totally ..(dunno how to say), I felt disappointment from ma'ams. I love being in CT a lot, I did not know how to express it, and I think I was quite selfish, because I let my personal stuff affect my mood for CT. But it is what we love doing, the thought of that keeps me going. I remember how I was filled with enthusiasm at the start, but was afraid to try all the new stuff that was unfamiliar to me. Still, I am really glad that I had CT in a small part of my life and yesterday I felt that we were going to keep going, not even stopping until the last second.

We did our basha today in the morning, improved on our ponchos, experimented with new ways of tying, thought of new ideas, and after that, ma'ams dismissed us. I kinda like that basha =D, considering the timeframe, although it looked a bit like team one's. Clarissa had OM, so Puay Ling and Jacinta went pegging then at first I didn't want to, but after that I decided to. xD Well..we went to lunch, and we were talking a lot about CT at the beginning.

Upon reaching home, I showered and got a call saying that we did not make it to the finals, but team one did. I felt a bit.."conflicted"? I was very happy that Team 1 got into the finals, the ultimate goal we had been aiming for, but I was disappointed and upset that Team 2 wasn't in the finals. Before I heard about the news, I was still thinking about the new basha all the way home, and now there is this strong tornado inside. It's like the 4 months long journey just stops, like a sudden fullstop. I had been expecting results on Monday, and I told myself to improve on the new basha. It's like dropping all our equipment all of the sudden. I should just go sleep and maybe when I wake up, I won't think so much.

I think I didn't feel that today was a better day, that kind of filled with hope type. Still stressed over alot of stuff, but I will try to forget them lah. No use remembering them. (: And out of the blue, when I was just staring at the teacher, during LA, while listening to her, she asked if I was okay. Then I a bit blurblur and was like huh. I thought I was okay.

Okay, so when recess bell rang, I went to the toilet, and discovered that I was..deathly white. So scary. So I'm scared of myself being scared of stuff. It's weird. And I think I have lots of stuff to finish tonight. History, LA, wait. I've never learnt how to do comparison then the teacher asked us to do the worksheet? Not fair.

I was looking forward to campcraft today, mostly theory, and we watched 40 ma'ams pitch! I liked it a lot, but we must learn it fast. =O Learn the roles of each person and familiarise with the equipment, jobs etc. We had recre after that. Very violent today lor. Lao tian ye treat me so badly one. Ma'ams made us do blind drills, and we were all over the place can. But I don't know why. And I was facing standard left the time, we started marching and what happened? I got "punched" in my stomach. =O Then when you close your eyes and get hit, of course you get very frightened and I felt like vomiting. Still had to open our eyes, and I saw Nicole. Er, I was quite tong4 ku3 at that point of time, so I was like thinking sai. all the time. And rugby also you3 qiang3 qiu2 then I kena hit in the stomach again. It happened so fast. I couldn't swallow dinner. eep. horrid. I am trying to increase the amount of energy-giving drinks I'm drinking tonight.

Oh, you know I am terrible at maths right? But today we got back our chinese block test. I felt happy because I did much better than I expected. They were asking like some kind of wu2 zi4 shu1 (no word) book. I totally didn't know. Then I crapped one. And I was surprised, like that also can get 16/25 that section ah. At least I'm not bottom or something. Around 79% leh. (: But there's this girl who had ..94/110 =O I could only get 87. I improved for my chang2 wen2 suo1 duan3! NINETEEN - highest I've ever gotten.

Hoi! I had been planning to come home early to get my afternoon nap, since I've been seriously lacking from sleep last night. A few hours of sleep makes it worse only. And what happened? Just about when I was about to nap, after clearing my online SIAs and all, BAM. Something "flies" in. I hate it. What if we weren't online?

Then I became very luan4 and had to start calling people. The fact that no one tried to help er, made me very mad. Maybe I have a problem okay. I always have problems. With my homework. My plan to catch back my hours of sleep was ruined. And ..okay I shall not say anymore.

But I have been experiencing disappointment, in myself, and others too now. Is this seriously happening? Why do I even do it? I apologise if this meaningless post is irritating you, feel free to stop reading anytime. Tremendous stress even though block tests are over, lying to yourself, and everything. Sometimes I wonder if things actually work this way. I have not felt carefree-ness for a long long time already.

I want to get that feeling back.

Um, today was the prelims, and we did get to pitch.. So..we arrived in school, got changed, pitched a bit in school and actually was a bit disappointed in our morning pitches, and I was hopeful for the HTA pitch. Ma'ams gave us this doll (?) and snacks and we gave them TEAM 2 badges and notes (smile) Then Team 2 went off first in the cab, and we reached HTA first. We watched the first round of pitching, and it was our turn to register. I was very shifty while waiting, squadmates also started chatting, the atmosphere wasn't like the other time anyway. We sat in a row and I noticed so many rows of lights, and saw them like hope and cheerfulness, so it lifted up my mood.

Ex ma'ams and squadmates were very supportive, and they did the lined hi-5 thingy, I was quite surprised and we got very high because of that. Very soon, checking of equipment started, it meant that we were beginning soon. I was quite nervous. I did my best to stay focused and also to do my roles faster, but it seemed that I wasn't up to standard, really, and I kept pulling the lashings tight, then the weird stuff stuck to my wound. (At home got weird liquid come out from it), I..did very badly for pegging, I was telling myself to work faster, work faster, but we needed to re-peg and everything, and I didn't peg the pegs in fast enough. I'm thinking that probably I affected the flag Crying, because of me using the mallet. I'm really sorry, ma'ams, squadmates and to myself. I really want to get into finals, but .. Anyway, ma'ams and squadmates were cheering us from outside, it was a huge motivation!

Then when you are on the pitch, the 12 minutes is like gone so fast. We managed to finish everything, except the whipping, we were out of the pitch, and I was sweating a lot. We had to sit down, and after we sat on the ground, I looked at the basha and squadmates, I didn't know what I was thinking, but I was pretty upset, and tears just rise up all the way to my eyes there, but thank you squadmates for all the kind words. You all are pro.

I reached home after spending some time at Lot 1, and I was very tired, I slept right after showering. Sleep and sleep and sleep. I could feel the unhappiness in me for prelims even when sleeping. I'm totally horrid. =(

But um, don't get affected by me okay. Let's er, look forward to Monday where we get the results, pray and keep our fingers crossed that we can get into finals, because NYCT is the best! (: (: (: And squadmates, you know you are good no matter what happens.

*Apparently, my thumb is numb again, so I can't feel a thing, which is kinda good?

Yay I'm posting. Very nervous :X I liked the imaginary pitch yesterday actually.

I spent half a day by myself at home today and I started talking on the phone. Oh and right, I think my thumb's clot worsened, more pain, because I lugged all the groceries home, my mum was not well, so she didn't carry anything. Then I was a bit of controlling myself, tried to forget about it. And I have a new haircut. (: Not much change, just made it thinner. And I watched The Cutting Edge 3! Christy Romano was awesome hehe :) And the ice skating looked so cool.

Prelims are tomorrow. I'm scared. But I look forward to it too, that's what we all have been waiting for. THE moment. I hope tomorrow won't be the last pitch though, no. It seems like squadmates aren't as nervous as me. I think there's something wrong with me. I don't know what. Aiya, why must we experience this feeling all over again? I should get inspiration and motivation from myself. Crap lah.

I was worrying all over, because I was by myself at home, as I mentioned, then I'm paranoid. Like what if someone breaks in? And I was worrying about my dinner. Yah, what if I cannot 忍 the pain, even though I told myself to 撑 until CT prelims? Swollen. Balloon. Maybe it will be better tomorrow. Then what if the ground was hard to peg? What if poncho cannot stretch? It's not good to have what ifs.

Well, I'm hoping that our 4 months of hard work will be shown to everyone tomorrow. That we are pro. Like the basha will be symmetrical, and stable and strong :) And all of our lashings will come tight, the tightest and neatest we have done so far. We won't be panicky, especially me. Eh, and the pegs should be of use, to the max. (Pray hard that we can be accustomed to the fat pegs) Then make sure the ponchos are ensured of the tautness. Basha should be aligned to flag, and flag will be straight and the lashings will be tight too :) Hope that the pegs stay in place and we have a perfect flag :D Of course, the gadget! May the shear lash poles be of equal height and no loose lashings and let's make it gapless. :D Same for basha. Oh, and no more loose ends. And rubbish!!

NYCT TEAM TWO WHOOSH :D jiayou! All the best to Team 1 too :D NYCT rocks.

I feel like I haven't blogged for a long time :D I feel a bit horrible today also. Tell yall why later xD

Actually on Monday I was very blur about timetable, I remember I didn't know that PE was like on the timetable that day. hm I forgot. Then we played basketball! :) Against 4/3 I think. =] And the first day was very slack, all the slacky lessons :) Hehe, but then everyone started mugging for block test, everyday bring notes. I think I didn't go home very early hahas, was pretty tired. Oh yeah, after school we had to find ma'ams because we thought there was the filiming thing and Puay Ling couldn't go, then ma'ams also came to find us. So we were quite mao2 dun4, in the end we greeted them and was a bit funny lol.

And surprisingly, Tuesday was a relatively free day. =D Just the teachers came and revised tons of info with us. And I couldn't remember everything for the block test. As in why do they even arrange the tables and chairs like an exam? It gives us pressure, and the percentage is not very big, according to Yi Jia.

Ohh, and Wednesday was still okay, the subjects were manageable and hey, I got home early :D Got time to do a lot of other stuff. Oh yep, I bought from the uniform and hurried towards the bus stop, because Yi Jia was opposite le. Then squadmates go and misunderstand. I called her and she said she was still at the bus stop with Zi Han, so happy haha, so I chiong-ed over to find them. Then I go and crap a lot about random stuff. And unexpectedly, we saw an ex-ma'am :O

But today...ehh. I am not very sure lah. I'll die for the subjects =X At least everything is over and Good Friday is coming. Eh, and then hor, Jacinta came over to my class, so Jiajia, her and I were randomly scribbling on the whiteboard and tried switching on the computer, but it didn't work. We wasted a lot of time, about our names =D My chinese name so complicated. Then Jacinta's name reminds me of Donald Duck :D And I had problems writing the second Jia of Jiajia :P

Hm..had CT today though, oh no. Prelims is on Saturday!! So we must go through the whole thing again like last time. Very kong3 bu4 leh. The fears, and anxiety. I hate that feeling. Before we had CT, at 2.30pm we had the unit filming and Clarissa, Puay Ling & I formed the 2nd N of NYNP, we were under the hot sun, I was feeling like an oven at full temp.

So we pitched at the old place where we pitched in the holidays :) Quite fun. Then I was pretty high during the pitches, and I don't know why, suddenly I feel so busy during the pitch. Is it that I'm slowing down? Or there are more things to be done, unlike last time? I like pegging, but I'm not as good as Clarissa. Really. I won't say something just like that. Yep, and I think I covered most areas of the basha today, as in, there has never been another day where I did so many different parts of our basha in a day. Like during the first pitch, I did my roles and also aligned the back poncho (I do that quite often), then also tied quite a lot of ponchos. The pegging not very good, had to take some time. I remember in another pitch, I did pegging for some sides.

Butbut, I am a bad pegger, I'm not even a pegger lor, anyway, I malleted my own thumb. So stupid. Oh before that I also peg until a thick layer of skin peeled off and the inside was like prickly prickly pain. Back to my thumb, haha, eh. Oh it turned blue, then purple, now purply black. And it's like instant colour change lah, so scary. Like chameleon. Like WHACK. Then one second, gush of colour up my thumb. Okayokay and it's super swollen. It looks like a sausage. *compares between both thumbs* I don't dare to let my mum and dad see. Later they overreact.

It's the first time this type of instant pain come to me. But I think I got high tolerance rate, so just let it heal bah. I told myself not to get injured before prelims le, it will affect the mood and everything lah. I'm still getting the jitters.

Most interesting that happened to me :) My pocket talked to me! Haha, it was before 2.30pm, I was hanging around my classroom with Jiajia, Jacinta disappeared suddenly that time. So I was just sitting around, looking around. Then I walked around, and was standing around the bookshelf. Was just standing there, wasn't talking. Suddenly I heard "Hello?", and it came from my pocket, it's like you could feel the waves and sound and everything from the pocket, and it was loud.

I really was like "What was that?!", Jiajia gave me a o.O look and I realised it was my phone. -.- I picked it up and started responding to the call, but anyway it sounded like my pocket spoke that time. I was blur and stoning, so yep. For some random reason, it was set to auto answer and auto loudspeaker. I had no idea what happened.

Wow, my one week post. I'm pretty scared for prelims eh. The weight from the block tests is all gone, but then there's still Saturday. I hope we can really achieve our goals and have our best pitch ever! Then nothing goes wrong hopefully :) And we can handle anything that comes, oh and hope to have lots of twine :D I'll post again tomorrow :D

Sometimes I feel that I'm a bad example for my sister. I keep getting affected by things easily. I shouldn't. Sometimes I feel like a failure. At least I can spell it. But yes enough, I'm not good.

This storm stirring inside me. I'm vexed and troubled. I want to go back to my kindergarten, my primary school days, where I love all my teachers and classmates, even though sometimes you get angry at them. Now it's a complicated world. I told myself that I cannot break down.

And I won't. But..it's not time for me to give a cheerful smile yet. I'm sort of affected by everything. Like today, during DALT, there were changes to the way we learn stuff. And the release of results.

This feeling makes me feel scared. I don't like it. Is it being emo? At times I feel like I should disappear forever. Don't appear again. I'm also nervous for lots of stuff, block tests, CT and SIAs. I know it's possible to control myself, so I won't show how I feel, it might be hurtful. I just don't understand. Why do I keep feeling this frightening fear in myself? Why am I feeling this disappointment in myself?

Maybe I'm not needed at all in this world, so why am I here? *im disliking myself..*

I went to the bus stop today and the bus was late. -.- So got to MRT late, and realised Yi Jia was at Jurong East! So I went up and called her when my train approached. And after a long long while, she gave up trying to squeeze to my side of the train. And..I saw Yan Ni!! It's like major coincidence man. Tsk tsk.

Then we found each other when we almost reached Paya Lebar. >< So dumb. Yi Jia was somewhere near us also. Sometimes we can be so blind. And squadmates were scolding us =( aww. Hui Han brought us to VS, and we walked and ran into the school. Then a bit lame. We were registering and I was reluctant to write our school's name. My handwriting not nice one. Hui Han's one nicer. An usher brought us in, and this VSNP person gave me a paper that said Nanyang Girls' and asked me to bring it along wherever I go. I was supposed to give to scorers during the game. o.O Okay lor. I was thinking xD.

Oh oh, and the captain got to draw lots (: I feel a bit embarrassed when I need to go up alone. Then I got TWO!! (: [[i told you i am very you3 yuan2 with 2]]

We were playing against Dunman High. Quite a lot of stuff happened in between xD Like, I was starting ball, and I was very jin zhang. So I was crapping to Alicia, and she asked the person who was also starting ball with me if she was a sec four. That girl (short hair) was like a bit surprised and said, "Yeah. Are y'all sec twos?" We were quite shocked =O We were playing against sec fours! Haha. Then I was like. Oh no. >< She was very nice, she said no lah. We also not very good one.

Even though I know she just said it to make us feel better, I still felt more relaxed. =D Then I start ball, accidentally hit her specs when I hit the ball over, she wasn't upset all over. I was so scared, kept apologising. >< We had fun playing against them! I thought we had quite good mo4 qi4, even though they passed the ball so much faster. I remember, another time in between, she was also concerned. I heard something like, "Don't bully the sec 2s!" xD The whole team were very polite and friendly too.

They really had good sportsmanship and were truly gracious in playing. (: Losing to them was like xin fu kou fu.

We also had a friendly match with Juying Secondary. Had fun too. And we won! Haha, no lah, actually quite unfair because they were sec ones. (: But they were pretty pro. Alicia also went to ask them which level they were from. Oh oh, Jiajia looked very flushed, when she played the second round, her fluu. =X Pei Yin was captain, and she caught the ball quite well, although sometimes is lucky-catch-dao4-de. xD Like roll, roll, roll in her hands, then grab.

There were lots of xiao4 chang3, quite a lot, during the games, very funny xD So cute lor. I enjoyed myself today. I was wanting to pitch at first, in the morning. Oh then, we were going to play with Beatty Sec, when it poured. Cancelled in the end. (Friendly match.) Oh. I thought need to go back to NY, but ended at around 12 plus. So yep. Changed and went to Parkway with sqdms - Hui Han, Yan Ni, Jiajia, Yi Jia, Alicia and Pei Yin. PASTA-MANIA!

Went to Jurong Point to buy something then went home. Very tiredd. Heard from squadmates that Friday got DALT, and lots of impt stuff will happen, and training will be on Thursday. A bit sad, no time do revision leh. Now my plan must change. Seems like CT today was fun! I want to pitch in the rain.

Haha. I didn't blog about LSC.

I was so tired. Very tired.

First day reached school, then saw a lot of people. I squished with my bag on the school bus. Yep, then after that got assembly and then Yi Jia was PC, so cool ehh! We somehow got settled in the classroom, I put my stuff with Haiyun, then we went to Labrador Park. It was quite hot, then the activities were okay. But we ran here and there for nothing, it wasn't planned properly I think. A pity lah. Then we got two packets of sugar biscuits. I was hoping we got cookies.

Then lunch was okay. I think the budget is very very low eh. I mean, it's not nice one. Then we got free time in class, so I think CT sqdms went to practise lashings and pegging. Non-ct sqdms too. Then Ms Khoo found out, and shoo-ed us away. =X

I slept the minute I opened my sleeping bag. Beat. We had breakfast and we organised the telematch. =) I was instructor. Haha, then got this tape that labelled us. Saw squadmates and was very high. :) I also sneaked into Popular and bought stuff to eat, with Haiyun. Then after that got lunch and water bomb games :D I was attacker so kept stealing other classes' flags. Luckily I was still considered dry =D I blocked myself from water. Slept in the quadrangle, near to sqdms, but I just slept through.

The next day, oh, Clarissa was PC, then we had nanzhongquan and breakfast. So draggy, and then we quickly prepared for the drama - dragon thing. Our class one was very funny yo. Joy is so pro :) You rock. She also got the outstanding leaders thing :) So proud.

We finally break camp, then I was waiting for squadmates outside Popular there because 2/2 ended debrief early. Then I think ma'ams came back from Graces Camp. So scary. I was alone, until some squadmates called me, and they came to join me. Some squadmates had to go home, so they accompanied for a while, then went home. So after that, only left Yi Jia, Hui Han, Pei Yin & Wen Xian. They got on my dad's small car, squashed up, then we went to McDonald's with all their luggage except for me. Coz my dad took them home. Oh, he wasn't concentrated, because my grandpa was admitted into the hospital. I'm a bit scared, because he seemed quite healthy one. He vomitted and all, I don't want anything bad to happen.

After that we went to Pei Yin's house, and kept playing the Farm Frenzy game. Her brother was a bit irritated I think o.O Then when we get so excited, we will start screaming. Pei Yin was asking us to keep quiet. =P Nearing five, we started to pack up and we went home. Yi Jia and I walked to the stop after West Mall and we took 174. Yeah, I got home in time for dinner, so my parents wasn't unhappy or anything like that.

Well. The end of LSC =D

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Heyhey.

Lifeskills Camp is tomorrow! Well shall not blog too much today. (: I'm afraid I'll leave something out from the camp list. And I don't feel very high for it, unlike last year's...I'm thinking that we don't plan as well as teachers and seniors. =X But will still be rather fun I hope!

I don't like saying this, but I think I might miss the pitch. The pegs turned prettier today after we handled and treated it today. =D Lots of broken poncho. And got earthworm among the ponchos. I nearly screamed loudly. And near a tap, I saw two things move at the same time, and I squealed. It's like two things move at the exact same time eh. I saw the frog hop and I saw the snail curl itself. So like double vision, frightened lah.

Oh, and the prelims isn't this sat after all. Then Friday no training. Actually it's quite fun sneaking out of class during free period to pitch. I missed out on a lot of drama prep though. Must jiayou for the prelims because it's so close to finals. =O like 1 step more, it's prelims. and like another 1 step. it's finals. 4 months of campcraft comp journey coming to an end le.

A quote I thought was quite useful to me. [when you feel gloomy, something good will happen for sure.]
I was feeling a bit depressed since this morning. And I didn't get very high. Lots of things went through my mind. Worries and troubles. I think my hair will turn white at a young age. Alumni ma'ams talked to us about NP too. Suddenly lots of responsibility comes on. Feeling gloomy, I reached home and I found a package for me!! From the US. =D First time I got an overseas package. Then I saw on the outer layer, saying it's a book. First thought - It's Grace's Turn =D I was like omg, omg. The book was autographed by Christy Romano, singer/actress/author, and she wrote that book. I wrote in a contest and I'm so lucky. Yay!!!

I think I'll finish by next week, because of LSC. It just concludes everything I guess? That was the GOOD thing :)

I'm not breathing well now.. It's like each second passes by and I feel more tensed up. My heart feels heavier and I'm 不知所措, to think I even try to an wei Puay Ling with her twine problem 5 minutes ago just now. I even give her suggestions on what to do.

But myself leh? The prelims are tomorrow, and I'm afraid of tomorrow approaching towards me. Lots of meaningful songs are running through my head. Can't help but singing to them. I thought I would be calmer, but no. You know, tests and presentations are not as scary as this. I've not been like this for a long long time. I don't really enjoy it leh.

感触不 少, I hope everything goes well tomorrow and we will not be filled with any regrets. I guess I'll lian4 a bit, then try to do homework bah. Today
s pitches were quite good. I think most were under 12. Ma'ams and squadmates were very high too, so was motivated to work faster. Worried about the pegs problem and structure. I cannot get it off my mind for even two minutes. Ex ma'ams also came back today and for last pitch, we cheered and rushed. And we got 9:01! Seriously, I couldn't believe it. When I heard it the first time, I was like dumbfounded. We fell out and I asked sqdms again. And I stoned for like 3 secs. I was really proud. It's like suddenly I felt so emo. I could feel so many feelings rushing through myself. It's like a feeling where you pitched under1, and didn't expect it, even though for every pitch we tried our best. Then the last pitch improved. My eyes had this funny feeling, almost wanted to cry. But I never. I can't explain it too, so you may just think I'm always emo and all. I don't care.

But at the end, TOs were telling us to relax a bit more, because they say we very yong xin. Well, it's a kind of an1 wei4. Also, I keep bleeding these few days. Like 5-6 times le. I stained the poles and twine yesterday, then today I stained my notebook. It's really randomly. Two times in class it started bleeding on its own. It's frightening me a lot. Oh, and I really don't want tomorrow to be last pitch, so will keep doing my best. Really can't get myself to calm down.. 我很害怕、很紧张. *I'm very moody. I don't think I can sleep well, like yesterday.*

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"I am proud of Team 2 and Team 1, no matter what happens, and I don't feel any regrets in joining NYCT. I am determined to make it to NYCT 2010 too. "
From my previous post.

醒 来了，什么都是事实了. I don't know what to say. But I'm guessing because of this truth that came crashing down, I have learned to be stronger. It just makes me sad to know it all ends today.

I haven't been online in days, a rare thing actually.

Well, I had family problems, and I thought I was going to break down, after Wednesday, and Thursday. Thought that I was a shame, a failure, a useless person, according to someone. And everything bad in the world came onto me. Anger came onto him, I screwed up. He yelled. No more trusted, a horrid kid. I cried the first time in front of my squadmates, other than ct sqdms. (Thu) But it was also because of squadmates that I got myself back up, showing everyone that I can be better.

Ma'ams talked to us yesterday and I was feeling totally ..(dunno how to say), I felt disappointment from ma'ams. I love being in CT a lot, I did not know how to express it, and I think I was quite selfish, because I let my personal stuff affect my mood for CT. But it is what we love doing, the thought of that keeps me going. I remember how I was filled with enthusiasm at the start, but was afraid to try all the new stuff that was unfamiliar to me. Still, I am really glad that I had CT in a small part of my life and yesterday I felt that we were going to keep going, not even stopping until the last second.

We did our basha today in the morning, improved on our ponchos, experimented with new ways of tying, thought of new ideas, and after that, ma'ams dismissed us. I kinda like that basha =D, considering the timeframe, although it looked a bit like team one's. Clarissa had OM, so Puay Ling and Jacinta went pegging then at first I didn't want to, but after that I decided to. xD Well..we went to lunch, and we were talking a lot about CT at the beginning.

Upon reaching home, I showered and got a call saying that we did not make it to the finals, but team one did. I felt a bit.."conflicted"? I was very happy that Team 1 got into the finals, the ultimate goal we had been aiming for, but I was disappointed and upset that Team 2 wasn't in the finals. Before I heard about the news, I was still thinking about the new basha all the way home, and now there is this strong tornado inside. It's like the 4 months long journey just stops, like a sudden fullstop. I had been expecting results on Monday, and I told myself to improve on the new basha. It's like dropping all our equipment all of the sudden. I should just go sleep and maybe when I wake up, I won't think so much.

I think I didn't feel that today was a better day, that kind of filled with hope type. Still stressed over alot of stuff, but I will try to forget them lah. No use remembering them. (: And out of the blue, when I was just staring at the teacher, during LA, while listening to her, she asked if I was okay. Then I a bit blurblur and was like huh. I thought I was okay.

Okay, so when recess bell rang, I went to the toilet, and discovered that I was..deathly white. So scary. So I'm scared of myself being scared of stuff. It's weird. And I think I have lots of stuff to finish tonight. History, LA, wait. I've never learnt how to do comparison then the teacher asked us to do the worksheet? Not fair.

I was looking forward to campcraft today, mostly theory, and we watched 40 ma'ams pitch! I liked it a lot, but we must learn it fast. =O Learn the roles of each person and familiarise with the equipment, jobs etc. We had recre after that. Very violent today lor. Lao tian ye treat me so badly one. Ma'ams made us do blind drills, and we were all over the place can. But I don't know why. And I was facing standard left the time, we started marching and what happened? I got "punched" in my stomach. =O Then when you close your eyes and get hit, of course you get very frightened and I felt like vomiting. Still had to open our eyes, and I saw Nicole. Er, I was quite tong4 ku3 at that point of time, so I was like thinking sai. all the time. And rugby also you3 qiang3 qiu2 then I kena hit in the stomach again. It happened so fast. I couldn't swallow dinner. eep. horrid. I am trying to increase the amount of energy-giving drinks I'm drinking tonight.

Oh, you know I am terrible at maths right? But today we got back our chinese block test. I felt happy because I did much better than I expected. They were asking like some kind of wu2 zi4 shu1 (no word) book. I totally didn't know. Then I crapped one. And I was surprised, like that also can get 16/25 that section ah. At least I'm not bottom or something. Around 79% leh. (: But there's this girl who had ..94/110 =O I could only get 87. I improved for my chang2 wen2 suo1 duan3! NINETEEN - highest I've ever gotten.

Hoi! I had been planning to come home early to get my afternoon nap, since I've been seriously lacking from sleep last night. A few hours of sleep makes it worse only. And what happened? Just about when I was about to nap, after clearing my online SIAs and all, BAM. Something "flies" in. I hate it. What if we weren't online?

Then I became very luan4 and had to start calling people. The fact that no one tried to help er, made me very mad. Maybe I have a problem okay. I always have problems. With my homework. My plan to catch back my hours of sleep was ruined. And ..okay I shall not say anymore.

But I have been experiencing disappointment, in myself, and others too now. Is this seriously happening? Why do I even do it? I apologise if this meaningless post is irritating you, feel free to stop reading anytime. Tremendous stress even though block tests are over, lying to yourself, and everything. Sometimes I wonder if things actually work this way. I have not felt carefree-ness for a long long time already.

I want to get that feeling back.

Um, today was the prelims, and we did get to pitch.. So..we arrived in school, got changed, pitched a bit in school and actually was a bit disappointed in our morning pitches, and I was hopeful for the HTA pitch. Ma'ams gave us this doll (?) and snacks and we gave them TEAM 2 badges and notes (smile) Then Team 2 went off first in the cab, and we reached HTA first. We watched the first round of pitching, and it was our turn to register. I was very shifty while waiting, squadmates also started chatting, the atmosphere wasn't like the other time anyway. We sat in a row and I noticed so many rows of lights, and saw them like hope and cheerfulness, so it lifted up my mood.

Ex ma'ams and squadmates were very supportive, and they did the lined hi-5 thingy, I was quite surprised and we got very high because of that. Very soon, checking of equipment started, it meant that we were beginning soon. I was quite nervous. I did my best to stay focused and also to do my roles faster, but it seemed that I wasn't up to standard, really, and I kept pulling the lashings tight, then the weird stuff stuck to my wound. (At home got weird liquid come out from it), I..did very badly for pegging, I was telling myself to work faster, work faster, but we needed to re-peg and everything, and I didn't peg the pegs in fast enough. I'm thinking that probably I affected the flag Crying, because of me using the mallet. I'm really sorry, ma'ams, squadmates and to myself. I really want to get into finals, but .. Anyway, ma'ams and squadmates were cheering us from outside, it was a huge motivation!

Then when you are on the pitch, the 12 minutes is like gone so fast. We managed to finish everything, except the whipping, we were out of the pitch, and I was sweating a lot. We had to sit down, and after we sat on the ground, I looked at the basha and squadmates, I didn't know what I was thinking, but I was pretty upset, and tears just rise up all the way to my eyes there, but thank you squadmates for all the kind words. You all are pro.

I reached home after spending some time at Lot 1, and I was very tired, I slept right after showering. Sleep and sleep and sleep. I could feel the unhappiness in me for prelims even when sleeping. I'm totally horrid. =(

But um, don't get affected by me okay. Let's er, look forward to Monday where we get the results, pray and keep our fingers crossed that we can get into finals, because NYCT is the best! (: (: (: And squadmates, you know you are good no matter what happens.

*Apparently, my thumb is numb again, so I can't feel a thing, which is kinda good?

Yay I'm posting. Very nervous :X I liked the imaginary pitch yesterday actually.

I spent half a day by myself at home today and I started talking on the phone. Oh and right, I think my thumb's clot worsened, more pain, because I lugged all the groceries home, my mum was not well, so she didn't carry anything. Then I was a bit of controlling myself, tried to forget about it. And I have a new haircut. (: Not much change, just made it thinner. And I watched The Cutting Edge 3! Christy Romano was awesome hehe :) And the ice skating looked so cool.

Prelims are tomorrow. I'm scared. But I look forward to it too, that's what we all have been waiting for. THE moment. I hope tomorrow won't be the last pitch though, no. It seems like squadmates aren't as nervous as me. I think there's something wrong with me. I don't know what. Aiya, why must we experience this feeling all over again? I should get inspiration and motivation from myself. Crap lah.

I was worrying all over, because I was by myself at home, as I mentioned, then I'm paranoid. Like what if someone breaks in? And I was worrying about my dinner. Yah, what if I cannot 忍 the pain, even though I told myself to 撑 until CT prelims? Swollen. Balloon. Maybe it will be better tomorrow. Then what if the ground was hard to peg? What if poncho cannot stretch? It's not good to have what ifs.

Well, I'm hoping that our 4 months of hard work will be shown to everyone tomorrow. That we are pro. Like the basha will be symmetrical, and stable and strong :) And all of our lashings will come tight, the tightest and neatest we have done so far. We won't be panicky, especially me. Eh, and the pegs should be of use, to the max. (Pray hard that we can be accustomed to the fat pegs) Then make sure the ponchos are ensured of the tautness. Basha should be aligned to flag, and flag will be straight and the lashings will be tight too :) Hope that the pegs stay in place and we have a perfect flag :D Of course, the gadget! May the shear lash poles be of equal height and no loose lashings and let's make it gapless. :D Same for basha. Oh, and no more loose ends. And rubbish!!

NYCT TEAM TWO WHOOSH :D jiayou! All the best to Team 1 too :D NYCT rocks.

I feel like I haven't blogged for a long time :D I feel a bit horrible today also. Tell yall why later xD

Actually on Monday I was very blur about timetable, I remember I didn't know that PE was like on the timetable that day. hm I forgot. Then we played basketball! :) Against 4/3 I think. =] And the first day was very slack, all the slacky lessons :) Hehe, but then everyone started mugging for block test, everyday bring notes. I think I didn't go home very early hahas, was pretty tired. Oh yeah, after school we had to find ma'ams because we thought there was the filiming thing and Puay Ling couldn't go, then ma'ams also came to find us. So we were quite mao2 dun4, in the end we greeted them and was a bit funny lol.

And surprisingly, Tuesday was a relatively free day. =D Just the teachers came and revised tons of info with us. And I couldn't remember everything for the block test. As in why do they even arrange the tables and chairs like an exam? It gives us pressure, and the percentage is not very big, according to Yi Jia.

Ohh, and Wednesday was still okay, the subjects were manageable and hey, I got home early :D Got time to do a lot of other stuff. Oh yep, I bought from the uniform and hurried towards the bus stop, because Yi Jia was opposite le. Then squadmates go and misunderstand. I called her and she said she was still at the bus stop with Zi Han, so happy haha, so I chiong-ed over to find them. Then I go and crap a lot about random stuff. And unexpectedly, we saw an ex-ma'am :O

But today...ehh. I am not very sure lah. I'll die for the subjects =X At least everything is over and Good Friday is coming. Eh, and then hor, Jacinta came over to my class, so Jiajia, her and I were randomly scribbling on the whiteboard and tried switching on the computer, but it didn't work. We wasted a lot of time, about our names =D My chinese name so complicated. Then Jacinta's name reminds me of Donald Duck :D And I had problems writing the second Jia of Jiajia :P

Hm..had CT today though, oh no. Prelims is on Saturday!! So we must go through the whole thing again like last time. Very kong3 bu4 leh. The fears, and anxiety. I hate that feeling. Before we had CT, at 2.30pm we had the unit filming and Clarissa, Puay Ling & I formed the 2nd N of NYNP, we were under the hot sun, I was feeling like an oven at full temp.

So we pitched at the old place where we pitched in the holidays :) Quite fun. Then I was pretty high during the pitches, and I don't know why, suddenly I feel so busy during the pitch. Is it that I'm slowing down? Or there are more things to be done, unlike last time? I like pegging, but I'm not as good as Clarissa. Really. I won't say something just like that. Yep, and I think I covered most areas of the basha today, as in, there has never been another day where I did so many different parts of our basha in a day. Like during the first pitch, I did my roles and also aligned the back poncho (I do that quite often), then also tied quite a lot of ponchos. The pegging not very good, had to take some time. I remember in another pitch, I did pegging for some sides.

Butbut, I am a bad pegger, I'm not even a pegger lor, anyway, I malleted my own thumb. So stupid. Oh before that I also peg until a thick layer of skin peeled off and the inside was like prickly prickly pain. Back to my thumb, haha, eh. Oh it turned blue, then purple, now purply black. And it's like instant colour change lah, so scary. Like chameleon. Like WHACK. Then one second, gush of colour up my thumb. Okayokay and it's super swollen. It looks like a sausage. *compares between both thumbs* I don't dare to let my mum and dad see. Later they overreact.

It's the first time this type of instant pain come to me. But I think I got high tolerance rate, so just let it heal bah. I told myself not to get injured before prelims le, it will affect the mood and everything lah. I'm still getting the jitters.

Most interesting that happened to me :) My pocket talked to me! Haha, it was before 2.30pm, I was hanging around my classroom with Jiajia, Jacinta disappeared suddenly that time. So I was just sitting around, looking around. Then I walked around, and was standing around the bookshelf. Was just standing there, wasn't talking. Suddenly I heard "Hello?", and it came from my pocket, it's like you could feel the waves and sound and everything from the pocket, and it was loud.

I really was like "What was that?!", Jiajia gave me a o.O look and I realised it was my phone. -.- I picked it up and started responding to the call, but anyway it sounded like my pocket spoke that time. I was blur and stoning, so yep. For some random reason, it was set to auto answer and auto loudspeaker. I had no idea what happened.

Wow, my one week post. I'm pretty scared for prelims eh. The weight from the block tests is all gone, but then there's still Saturday. I hope we can really achieve our goals and have our best pitch ever! Then nothing goes wrong hopefully :) And we can handle anything that comes, oh and hope to have lots of twine :D I'll post again tomorrow :D

Sometimes I feel that I'm a bad example for my sister. I keep getting affected by things easily. I shouldn't. Sometimes I feel like a failure. At least I can spell it. But yes enough, I'm not good.

This storm stirring inside me. I'm vexed and troubled. I want to go back to my kindergarten, my primary school days, where I love all my teachers and classmates, even though sometimes you get angry at them. Now it's a complicated world. I told myself that I cannot break down.

And I won't. But..it's not time for me to give a cheerful smile yet. I'm sort of affected by everything. Like today, during DALT, there were changes to the way we learn stuff. And the release of results.

This feeling makes me feel scared. I don't like it. Is it being emo? At times I feel like I should disappear forever. Don't appear again. I'm also nervous for lots of stuff, block tests, CT and SIAs. I know it's possible to control myself, so I won't show how I feel, it might be hurtful. I just don't understand. Why do I keep feeling this frightening fear in myself? Why am I feeling this disappointment in myself?

Maybe I'm not needed at all in this world, so why am I here? *im disliking myself..*

I went to the bus stop today and the bus was late. -.- So got to MRT late, and realised Yi Jia was at Jurong East! So I went up and called her when my train approached. And after a long long while, she gave up trying to squeeze to my side of the train. And..I saw Yan Ni!! It's like major coincidence man. Tsk tsk.

Then we found each other when we almost reached Paya Lebar. >< So dumb. Yi Jia was somewhere near us also. Sometimes we can be so blind. And squadmates were scolding us =( aww. Hui Han brought us to VS, and we walked and ran into the school. Then a bit lame. We were registering and I was reluctant to write our school's name. My handwriting not nice one. Hui Han's one nicer. An usher brought us in, and this VSNP person gave me a paper that said Nanyang Girls' and asked me to bring it along wherever I go. I was supposed to give to scorers during the game. o.O Okay lor. I was thinking xD.

Oh oh, and the captain got to draw lots (: I feel a bit embarrassed when I need to go up alone. Then I got TWO!! (: [[i told you i am very you3 yuan2 with 2]]

We were playing against Dunman High. Quite a lot of stuff happened in between xD Like, I was starting ball, and I was very jin zhang. So I was crapping to Alicia, and she asked the person who was also starting ball with me if she was a sec four. That girl (short hair) was like a bit surprised and said, "Yeah. Are y'all sec twos?" We were quite shocked =O We were playing against sec fours! Haha. Then I was like. Oh no. >< She was very nice, she said no lah. We also not very good one.

Even though I know she just said it to make us feel better, I still felt more relaxed. =D Then I start ball, accidentally hit her specs when I hit the ball over, she wasn't upset all over. I was so scared, kept apologising. >< We had fun playing against them! I thought we had quite good mo4 qi4, even though they passed the ball so much faster. I remember, another time in between, she was also concerned. I heard something like, "Don't bully the sec 2s!" xD The whole team were very polite and friendly too.

They really had good sportsmanship and were truly gracious in playing. (: Losing to them was like xin fu kou fu.

We also had a friendly match with Juying Secondary. Had fun too. And we won! Haha, no lah, actually quite unfair because they were sec ones. (: But they were pretty pro. Alicia also went to ask them which level they were from. Oh oh, Jiajia looked very flushed, when she played the second round, her fluu. =X Pei Yin was captain, and she caught the ball quite well, although sometimes is lucky-catch-dao4-de. xD Like roll, roll, roll in her hands, then grab.

There were lots of xiao4 chang3, quite a lot, during the games, very funny xD So cute lor. I enjoyed myself today. I was wanting to pitch at first, in the morning. Oh then, we were going to play with Beatty Sec, when it poured. Cancelled in the end. (Friendly match.) Oh. I thought need to go back to NY, but ended at around 12 plus. So yep. Changed and went to Parkway with sqdms - Hui Han, Yan Ni, Jiajia, Yi Jia, Alicia and Pei Yin. PASTA-MANIA!

Went to Jurong Point to buy something then went home. Very tiredd. Heard from squadmates that Friday got DALT, and lots of impt stuff will happen, and training will be on Thursday. A bit sad, no time do revision leh. Now my plan must change. Seems like CT today was fun! I want to pitch in the rain.

Haha. I didn't blog about LSC.

I was so tired. Very tired.

First day reached school, then saw a lot of people. I squished with my bag on the school bus. Yep, then after that got assembly and then Yi Jia was PC, so cool ehh! We somehow got settled in the classroom, I put my stuff with Haiyun, then we went to Labrador Park. It was quite hot, then the activities were okay. But we ran here and there for nothing, it wasn't planned properly I think. A pity lah. Then we got two packets of sugar biscuits. I was hoping we got cookies.

Then lunch was okay. I think the budget is very very low eh. I mean, it's not nice one. Then we got free time in class, so I think CT sqdms went to practise lashings and pegging. Non-ct sqdms too. Then Ms Khoo found out, and shoo-ed us away. =X

I slept the minute I opened my sleeping bag. Beat. We had breakfast and we organised the telematch. =) I was instructor. Haha, then got this tape that labelled us. Saw squadmates and was very high. :) I also sneaked into Popular and bought stuff to eat, with Haiyun. Then after that got lunch and water bomb games :D I was attacker so kept stealing other classes' flags. Luckily I was still considered dry =D I blocked myself from water. Slept in the quadrangle, near to sqdms, but I just slept through.

The next day, oh, Clarissa was PC, then we had nanzhongquan and breakfast. So draggy, and then we quickly prepared for the drama - dragon thing. Our class one was very funny yo. Joy is so pro :) You rock. She also got the outstanding leaders thing :) So proud.

We finally break camp, then I was waiting for squadmates outside Popular there because 2/2 ended debrief early. Then I think ma'ams came back from Graces Camp. So scary. I was alone, until some squadmates called me, and they came to join me. Some squadmates had to go home, so they accompanied for a while, then went home. So after that, only left Yi Jia, Hui Han, Pei Yin & Wen Xian. They got on my dad's small car, squashed up, then we went to McDonald's with all their luggage except for me. Coz my dad took them home. Oh, he wasn't concentrated, because my grandpa was admitted into the hospital. I'm a bit scared, because he seemed quite healthy one. He vomitted and all, I don't want anything bad to happen.

After that we went to Pei Yin's house, and kept playing the Farm Frenzy game. Her brother was a bit irritated I think o.O Then when we get so excited, we will start screaming. Pei Yin was asking us to keep quiet. =P Nearing five, we started to pack up and we went home. Yi Jia and I walked to the stop after West Mall and we took 174. Yeah, I got home in time for dinner, so my parents wasn't unhappy or anything like that.

Well. The end of LSC =D

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Heyhey.

Lifeskills Camp is tomorrow! Well shall not blog too much today. (: I'm afraid I'll leave something out from the camp list. And I don't feel very high for it, unlike last year's...I'm thinking that we don't plan as well as teachers and seniors. =X But will still be rather fun I hope!

I don't like saying this, but I think I might miss the pitch. The pegs turned prettier today after we handled and treated it today. =D Lots of broken poncho. And got earthworm among the ponchos. I nearly screamed loudly. And near a tap, I saw two things move at the same time, and I squealed. It's like two things move at the exact same time eh. I saw the frog hop and I saw the snail curl itself. So like double vision, frightened lah.

Oh, and the prelims isn't this sat after all. Then Friday no training. Actually it's quite fun sneaking out of class during free period to pitch. I missed out on a lot of drama prep though. Must jiayou for the prelims because it's so close to finals. =O like 1 step more, it's prelims. and like another 1 step. it's finals. 4 months of campcraft comp journey coming to an end le.

A quote I thought was quite useful to me. [when you feel gloomy, something good will happen for sure.]
I was feeling a bit depressed since this morning. And I didn't get very high. Lots of things went through my mind. Worries and troubles. I think my hair will turn white at a young age. Alumni ma'ams talked to us about NP too. Suddenly lots of responsibility comes on. Feeling gloomy, I reached home and I found a package for me!! From the US. =D First time I got an overseas package. Then I saw on the outer layer, saying it's a book. First thought - It's Grace's Turn =D I was like omg, omg. The book was autographed by Christy Romano, singer/actress/author, and she wrote that book. I wrote in a contest and I'm so lucky. Yay!!!

I think I'll finish by next week, because of LSC. It just concludes everything I guess? That was the GOOD thing :)

I'm not breathing well now.. It's like each second passes by and I feel more tensed up. My heart feels heavier and I'm 不知所措, to think I even try to an wei Puay Ling with her twine problem 5 minutes ago just now. I even give her suggestions on what to do.

But myself leh? The prelims are tomorrow, and I'm afraid of tomorrow approaching towards me. Lots of meaningful songs are running through my head. Can't help but singing to them. I thought I would be calmer, but no. You know, tests and presentations are not as scary as this. I've not been like this for a long long time. I don't really enjoy it leh.

感触不 少, I hope everything goes well tomorrow and we will not be filled with any regrets. I guess I'll lian4 a bit, then try to do homework bah. Today
s pitches were quite good. I think most were under 12. Ma'ams and squadmates were very high too, so was motivated to work faster. Worried about the pegs problem and structure. I cannot get it off my mind for even two minutes. Ex ma'ams also came back today and for last pitch, we cheered and rushed. And we got 9:01! Seriously, I couldn't believe it. When I heard it the first time, I was like dumbfounded. We fell out and I asked sqdms again. And I stoned for like 3 secs. I was really proud. It's like suddenly I felt so emo. I could feel so many feelings rushing through myself. It's like a feeling where you pitched under1, and didn't expect it, even though for every pitch we tried our best. Then the last pitch improved. My eyes had this funny feeling, almost wanted to cry. But I never. I can't explain it too, so you may just think I'm always emo and all. I don't care.

But at the end, TOs were telling us to relax a bit more, because they say we very yong xin. Well, it's a kind of an1 wei4. Also, I keep bleeding these few days. Like 5-6 times le. I stained the poles and twine yesterday, then today I stained my notebook. It's really randomly. Two times in class it started bleeding on its own. It's frightening me a lot. Oh, and I really don't want tomorrow to be last pitch, so will keep doing my best. Really can't get myself to calm down.. 我很害怕、很紧张. *I'm very moody. I don't think I can sleep well, like yesterday.*

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Still growing up in the midst of university. My friends tell me I think a lot, which could be good or bad depending on how you see it. I'm currently studying Linguistics in NTU. At the same time, I am involved in NPCC and various school activities. I guess this blog will include bits and pieces of my new experiences for sharing! Definitely looking forward to trying and learning new things <3

NYNPCCDALT 41, NYCT2'08, NYCT2'10, 202'08, 406'09
NPAP'09, Dramafeste '11/12, CIBTC J11
Hall 6 13/14

→ Taylor Swift 1st CD!
→ A nice camera to take photos
→ The Hunger Games series
→ Justin Bieber CD - My World 2.0
→ First Step 2 Forever
→ New school stuff.

links exchanged opened! just tag me but link me first