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bonjour ~

你拉我拉， 你拉我拉， 一二拉。。。
This is probably just going to be a simple collection of my life. Thanks for stopping by.

: kheng wee, 2 february.
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Figuring things out...
written on Tuesday, December 23, 2014 @ 2:07 PM ✈

What have I done lately? Not much actually, just reading articles and books online. Mockingjay in text is really powerful in my opinion, but I have yet to watch the actual movie yet. All the what-ifs that run through my head as a result of reading it. How nice it would be to get the whole series in paperback version.  I think Katniss manages to stay true to herself despite all the chaos, and her courage despite all those adversities inspires me. And I read Ellen Degeneres' Seriously...I'm Kidding (note the punctuations, she actually manages to keep it consistent throughout her books); it's thought-provoking about life but funny and simple at the same time. You will probably get the same kind of vibe from the book, if you watch her shows. Some of her words echo my thoughts to an extent, surprisingly.

I don't know if you agree or not, but I think reading helps you to find out about yourself (says a wise me, at least it applies for me in this phase of my life).

And you may ask, what have I found out myself? Well...that is a tough question. I would not say I have uncovered everything about myself, but I started to reflect on my own views.

I might have discovered that I am not the person most people think I am. How can I put this into words as neutrally? For example, people should not judge a book by its cover (so if you are thinking about something you believe about me, dig deeper). And behind every scar there is a story behind it. Perhaps, there is a fine line between pessimism and optimism. Maybe I'm stepping away from something because there was a history behind it, or I'd rather not watching history happen to me again. Maybe I'm just more sensitive but every little action makes or breaks things to me; but I trust my good old sense usually (it has been reliable in my life). Maybe it's human nature to be there first hand when something is 'happening' and also human nature to run away when there is something to be done. By that same token, I do my best to avoid such pitfalls and take calculated risks in my daily life, just like how I would view Courage and Empathy, for empty talks make me feel disappointed. But then again, is it because I choose not to inflict such pain on others that I have experienced, that they can never understand what I feel? Then it happens to me from the others again? What should I do? Let people feel it?

Some people would probably brush these things off as old me overthinking, but why can't it be a case of you not thinking enough? I mean, I'm just trying to offer another perspective. Of course I understand people prefer to spend their lives doing other things compared to thinking, which is totally fine with me. But what happens if your actions and words cut someone else? (Figuratively.) I choose to believe that everyone has a decision to their words and actions, so all the things about being not conscious do not sound that convincing to me. I have bore the brunt of that, if you ever had realised. If you did realise, does that mean you are consciously choosing to act a certain way? Both are negative in my view, but the latter is worse. Then I should try to break away from this cycle. Do I know what brings out the best and worst in me? Yes, I do. And this point on the map is where I should not be, status quo, unless something changes.

Ever since I posted somewhere about what a certain four letter means, I have been wondering whether that word has meant the same thing for all of us. Maybe it meant the same thing to you, just at a different point, a point in the past, and now it does not mean anything else. Did everything ever mean anything? If that's the case in which it does not mean anything, why do we want to drag other people into this, to take your place, again? I'm confused, or maybe it is just me. I don't like the idea of giving someone something I dislike, like say re-gifting a Christmas present for example. Why? Can someone explain this patiently? (I don't think anyone is patient enough, just getting with your life well could be good enough, oh well the human nature.)

All these things keep running through my head, almost all the time that it makes me lost. But I don't think anyone understands. If only I could view it simply - if you like something you do it and vice versa. Sigh D:

I usually listen to songs to get about such things, so I will post up some songs for a cold rainy day. I recently caught a glimpse of S Club 7 on youtube and found out all about them in the early 2000s, heard their songs and they are really good! I remember my seniors choreographed an item for us in Primary 2 using the song Reach. And they have got other songs such as Bring It All Back (which Jolin did), Never Had a Dream Come True, Don't Stop Movin', S Club Party etc



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Difficult times
written on Thursday, October 23, 2014 @ 1:47 AM ✈

I sound so busy, with so many things on my schedule. Now there are even assignments coming up, released at this point of time and due soon. I totally understand worrying doesn't solve much, what if I can't even produce something for submission? My grades are off in a way for other work.

Really hoping for good grades in order to try certain things; one can always hope right? And there are reasons for that.

I question many things, what does it take to work? Differences and doubts surround. Don't think it is going to be sensed, maybe I could front it this way (ha.ha.)

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Found free time
written on Friday, October 10, 2014 @ 6:24 PM ✈

Have you ever gotten the feeling of finding a small amount of free time, out of your hectic schedule, and getting slightly happy about it?

I actually found a pocket of free time to blog in a place not in my home! This is exciting, but it feels as if I have to finish this up really soon :(

Had to see a new Chinese doctor which my parents see; though it is unfortunate that I have lessons and stuff almost every day that my dad has to pick me up from morning class then send me back to school again. Got a huge amount of herbs-smelling pills and mixtures. Here's hoping that I will be less prone to falling ill.

Year 2 of university life is a little crazy because everything just happens to be crammed together. I'm liking what I study in Linguistics, but sometimes it gets a little stressful (and I think my face says it all unfortunately). I'm really hoping I will have the time in the future to try new things, like a new internship or a job to know what I want to do in the future! Everyone seems to have a direction in life haha.

Think I have to go soon...

Can't believe tomorrow is the anniversary...

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Really Don't Care
written on Monday, June 30, 2014 @ 12:00 AM ✈

I really don't care (hardly). There have been so many things causing me to feel really upset.

You do unto people how you want to be treated, but that is hardly the case. I would not generalise for all cases. Sometimes people only "remember" you when you are needed, and choose not to show concern if it is not needed. Or if you are not so important, then your worries will be placed behind　without hesitation. If that is the case, why am I expected to connect emotionally? Since knowing that putting in your emotions 100% will not bear anything, I would rather not try again in that regard. Having to talk about it defeats the point, if you get the idea, so let us not go there.

Sneaky things have been happening too, I really dislike how people assume so many things and use my name for something that I did not agree to. If you wish to do something, why can't it be done in an open manner? Are you afraid to be judged? Then why do it in the first place?

Being ill these few days after 11 consecutive days of camp have made me realised many things. You can tell who is genuinely concerned. Even the doctor and my parents said to rest a lot. It is the first time seeing little bits of blood in my phlegm but I really hope it is a one-off thing. I doubt anyone knew or saw the worry, it is definitely not normal, no matter how I see it. And if there is any further fever, it could be dengue and all (although I doubt that is the case). Honestly speaking, I have just been feeling super light-headed and uncomfortable and I wonder when it will stop. If I could rewind the clock, maybe I should have been more aware.


P.S. Thankful to have seen Taylor live in RED on 9th June!

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Feelings running high
written on Monday, January 13, 2014 @ 12:34 AM ✈

I just feel that I needed some sort of way to record my feelings. Although one of my resolutions (kind of) is to look at the positive side of things and be more happy, sometimes I get this sad tingly feeling... For example, my dad told us to keep a certain day free as the whole extended family will be going to the usual buffet place for Chinese New Year lunch, like last year. The words "last year" triggered a emotion high for me unknowingly, because my brain automatically clicked back to last CNY lunch and I remembered my grandma being there, not just last year but also past buffets. Then it dawned upon me that the only difference this year is that she will not be there. All the memories just start flooding back, from the point where I went home one fine Friday to realise the horrible news and see her lying there, seeing the undertakers bring her out, all the way to helping to settle the funeral matters :( It went from unbelievable shock to mind blank to sadness to having to be strong. (because everyone was equally upset and it was the last little thing I could do)

It feels so surreal, just thinking about "last year" or every time I enter her room (now occupied with some of my dad's things). Sometimes I worry if I will end up forgetting her or having my memory fade out. I rarely cry but I remember how I cried so badly. So many things happened last year. I know life goes on (probably what some people would say) but I just get affected whenever I think back with any random triggers, going from high to low.

Some stuff also happened today, of course I was not as shaken as the last incident. I just hope the words were taken in from a certain first-hand perspective and let's hope for the best. Sometimes I just wish I could just drop some things and go back to the simple world (like training juniors more which is probably something my officers would happily welcome).
 

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